I Loved You On Purpose

“I loved you on purpose,” that’s a powerful statement, and an even more powerful action. I recall the day I decided to take a leap of faith and step out on love. Of course I knew the dangers involved but somewhere in my mind and heart I chose to love you. And with this came a responsibility, a responsibility to love you the only way I knew how…unconditionally, although I knew you did not deserve my love.

Our story is simple, I gave you want you wanted because I was never comfortable giving you all of me. Maybe you didn’t understand, maybe you didn’t care, oh well…the “maybes” are no longer my concern.

You started and ended relationships with other women while I stood in the shadows; you put me on the backburner to simmer. I settled in many ways, and my heart was in limbo with another man and I thought that giving you pieces of me would give me time to rebuild my own puzzle.

I wanted you to recognize my worth, to walk as hard as you talk but till this day, all I hear is words and see nothing but broken promises. It bothers me that you never took real time to know me, that you don’t know my likes/dislikes, my heart, or my humor. After these years, you still don’t know me…you don’t see me.

Now, I realize that I was so hungry for love that no matter where the meal came from or how inadequate of a meal you were providing; I chose to sit at the table and eat.

The choice is still mine, and now I chose to love me. I love me more than I love you.

So, goodbye to you and all your inadequacies.

An Open Letter to Women.

Written by my good friend, Charles C. Davis, Jr.

Penance \ˈpe-nən(t)s\ noun: an act of self-abasement, mortification, or devotion performed to show sorrow or repentance for sin.

In my Graduate program at my hippie Grad school, one of the most important lessons that I was taught was to be a reflective practitioner. This is to say, that as I am working with my students, I should not always assume that what I am doing or saying is correct. This is very different from the "teacher-centered" model that most of us grew up with. Instead, I was taught that if my students were not learning, it is not an indictment on them, it is an indictment on me. I am the one who needs to make a change to meet them where they are.

This idea of being reflective had no choice but to bleed over to other areas of my life. And so I find it important to regularly step back from the day-to-day meanderings of life to make sure that I am doing the best I can to make life not only good for myself, but for others.

One of the changes that some of you who have known me long enough may have noticed is my attempt to be...nicer isn't the word...but kinder. As you know, I love words...and the definition of the word "nice" is more of an action. You are not necessarily "nice", but you can be nice to people. The definition of "kind" speaks more to a person's natural essence or being. And so, I in my old age, am striving to be a kinder individual...and by virtue of this, I will be nice to others (hopefully *smile*).

Why this piece is entitled "An Open Letter to Women" is because I haven't always been kind to women. This of course is contrary to my upbringing as I was raised by a mother and a sister who are both strong women of high character who trained me to have nothing but the utmost respect for womanhood. But somewhere, I diverged from the path that was laid before me. And I know exactly when this divergence occured; the beginning of my Sophomore year in college.

Up to that point I had followed the blueprint provided to me by the matriarchs of my family. But something wasn't lining up, I wasn't getting much (if any) play. So, being the burgeoning social scientist that I was I decided to try a little social experiment: I would start being mean to women. I'm not making this up. This was a REAL conversation that I had with myself. I decided that for a couple months I would try my hand at being an ___-hole. And guess what, it worked! While never outwardly disrespectful, if I met a young lady that I liked, I would ignore her. If I got a girl's number, I wouldn't call her. If I saw her in public, I would act like she didn't exist. And guess what, IT WORKED!

Now of course, this made no sense to me. All my life I had been told to be nice to women. Tell a girl kind things, etc. But none of that worked. THIS on the other hand did. And so, I became a young man that today I am not very proud of. Oh, at the time I was. I'd venture to various parties, fueled on alcohol and machismo looking to conquer every woman that I chose to. And during that time, I could not help but to become cold, and calloused and ultimately bitter. A bitter and jaded young man in his early twenties, how sad is that?

I still today have never been quite able to understand this phenomena, but what I do know is that I caused hurt to come to several women who in no way deserved it. And in doing so, I am certain that I did nothing but to perpetuate a cycle of mistrust and deceit that has permeated the African-American community for more moons that I have lived to see and that have served no other purpose but to tear asunder the bonds that are so vital to each of our very existence. And for that I am sorry.

Many of these women have moved on and have grown from twenty-something hurts into fruitful bonds with partners who treat them as the precious gifts that they are. Others, I'm not so sure of. But as I look upon the landscape of our community, it is obvious that there were many more Charles Davis' (or worse) that have done much more harm than good.

And so, a couple years ago, I decided that my "penance" for these wrongs would be to help the women in my life to feel better and do better, particularly in making choices in whom they allowed that special place in their lives. In addition, I have tried to train the young men under my influence to become men of high character. And I know that it's hard as some of them now are where I was ten years ago. But I really do try to make them understand that being a single, emotionally unavailable bachelor with all of the things life has to offer without anyone to share it with is really not what's up. But I digress.

Now back to you ladies. It is my hope that each of you recognizes the treasure that you are. In many of the conversations that I have with female friends its apparent how insecure and uncertain we men have made some of you all feel. Many of you are grounded in an understanding of what "love" is, and what "love" feels like and more importantly what "love" does NOT feel like. But many of you are not.

Though I know the male/female merry-go-round will continue to spin round and round, just understand that you do not have to be on it. If you are in a relationship or a circumstance with someone who is not your protector, with someone who doesn't love and cherish you, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE. That's right. You can leave. I don't care if it's been 10 weeks or 10 years. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE. When you have this attitude, I think that it keeps you from being hurt, because you are taking ownership of your own feelings.

Now, when I say "YOU", I hope that you do not take it as an indictment of something that you are doing wrong. I have just come to realize that your greatest strength and your greatest weakness are one in the same; the capacity to care. Men by and large have to learn this (as I am now). We care about things...but in a very superficial way.

Let's take my mother and father. Now, I know my father loves me. But his love is very pragmatic. He wants to make sure all my bills are paid, that my car is running okay, that I haven't gotten shot or arrested since last we spoke. All good things. My mother on the other hand, wants to know about my health, am I eating properly, am I getting enough rest, have I been going to church, have I called my grandmother, etc. He looks outwardly, but she looks inside. This is what most of you all do.

And so, when you experience a man who shows glimmers of goodness but displays theaters of awfulness, you're more inclined to look at the potential of what he COULD be. I'm here to tell you, that man is who he is. You can't change him. I'm pretty sure his mama, auntie or granny have tried, and they couldn't do it either. Like I used to tell women, I'm not going to do anything for you that I wouldn't do for my mother or sister. They probably feel the same way.

And so, in closing, I again encourage you to take ownership of your feelings. You are JUSTIFIED in feeling the way that you do. If you want a man to call you instead of text you all night (even though I HATE to talk on the phone), you're justified. If you want a man to take you on a date instead of watch the Friday trilogy on the couch (even though they MAD funny!), you're justified. Now...if this brotha is workin' tryin' to make ends meet and you only feel justified by a 3 course brunch at the Four Seasons...that may be a bit much...but that's a whole other conversation. The point is, you do so much to meet us guys where we are, there is NOTHING wrong with expecting some reciprocity. Most of this stuff is common sense...but of course a lot of women over think some things (read EVERTHING) ad nauseum. And I KNOW you feel that little prick in your soul, but you're just wanting to make exceptions for the guy give that one more chance. Sometimes it may be justified, but after 2,3,4,26 times...the onus eventually falls on you, because ULTIMATELY no one can treat you poorly unless you allow them to. There is an philosophical theory called Occam's Razor which expressed in Latin is "entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem". Translated this means "entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity" or in other words, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. No amount of questioning or doubt will change what is clearly in front of your eyes.

What we all (men and women) have to come to realize that we are valuable. Not because of what car we drive, or what title we have or how much money we make or even because somebody thinks we're sexy. But you're valuable because you are a child of God. And if He thinks the world of you, and only wants the best for you, then why not want it for yourself?

I know it's rough out there, it's hard for guys in many respects too. We're all out here just bumping into one another like spinning tops scared to let our guard down for fear of being hurt just like someone hurt us in the past. Part of that risk is the risk not to sell yourself short (notice I didn't use the word "settle"...again, another conversation for another day). But without any risk, there isn't any reward. In the words of Nikki Giovanni, "We love, because it is the only true adventure".

Love Lessons in Heartbreak

I love love. I love to give and receive love. For me love is the essence of who I am, and if I let you in and I allow myself to love you…I will love you, despite it all. One of the greatest lessons I have ever learned in my young life is a lesson of love and heartbreak.

I still remember the day, the day my heart shattered. I thought my world had come to an end, I thought I’d be another stereotypical successful, black woman with no husband and no kids…lonely. For days I cried, didn’t walk for my graduate degree and attempted rationalize “why?” I decided that I could either be bitter or be educated.

Being bitter would have taken me to exactly where I did not want to be; it would have caused me to take the burdens from my past “relationship” to the threshold of another. Moving quickly to the next man would have been an easy solution. I could have found comfort in temporary affection. But why lack trust in someone new and make a man pay for another’s mistakes? Being bitter would lead to a statistic, one I did not want to be.

I decided to be educated by heartache.

Love does not mean perfection, it does not mean that I will love you tomorrow; it means I will love you today, and do everything today to ensure that we have the possibility to be in love tomorrow.

Love is fearless. My favorite scripture is “[T]here is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” 1 John 4:18. God did not make us to fear, He made us to love, God is Love. Love and Fear cannot co-exist; therefore I choose love over fear. No fear in a man leaving me, no fear in outsiders in my relationships. No longer do I fear being a statistic. None.

Love does mean being more impressed with a man’s love for God, more than their love for you. A man who loves God more than me…can love me any day.

I am a Believer and therefore if heartbreak knocks again…I have no fear.

-Shanelle LaCole

The Audacity to Ask

It is some bold women in this world. One’s who do not hesitate to ask for what they want and for sure take charge when they are in need. It is all good to be bold, I encourage anyone to go for anything they want or need! But being bold has its limits, especially when we ask of a man who is not our husband to do for us when we aren't meeting our own needs.

Last week I was talking to my homeboy about how women ask him to pay for their bills. He says they hint, “Aye, I don't know where my car-note is coming from,” or they let him know they are short...”I’m a little short on my rent this week.” Jokingly, I hinted at him this week…

En route to catch my 1:20pm flight to Chicago, I remembered I forgot to pay my rent, not because I didn’t have the money, simply because I forgot. I BBM’d him “I f-ing left without paying my rent.” What was I going to do? Although I didn’t need the money, just needed someone to take it to the rental office, I still couldn’t suffice asking a man who has not put a ring on my finger to go pay for something that is a necessity of mine, not of his.

I’d never ask a man (who is not my hubby or Daddy) to pay for anything I need. That’s a bold statement but that’s how I feel. Maybe it is pride, I do not know.

I feel like I, as a grown woman, had the audacity to go out and make bills for myself. I signed my rental lease. I bought a SUV. I decided that I need cable and the internet. I need lights, water, gas, etc. If you have the audacity to tout your “grownness”, you should have the means to pay.

Believe me, I know we all have emergency situations, we all need someone to lean on, but how do you get bold enough to ask a man who you’re just dating?

Have I asked a man to pay for something? Yes, for something I couldn’t afford because I was handling my needs and knew he wanted to give me what I wanted.

Obviously, this rule has exceptions. Just let me know, when is it okay to have the audacity to ask for a man to pay for your needs?

WE w/o a Title

Boy. Girl. Man. Woman. Boo. Lover. Partner. Boyfriend. Girlfriend.

TITLES.

I am not a fan of titles, I am unsure when I made the decision that titles are the beginning to a slow death to a relationship. Maybe because it seems like most courtships of my friends meet their untimely demise at the introduction of a title, or maybe because the man I loved in college wasn’t a fan of titles. Maybe at some point I decided arguing for a title wasn’t worth losing the courtship of the man in my life. I don’t know where my dislike started but it has ended with me not being a fan of titles, particularly the infamous, dooming titles of…boyfriend or girlfriend.

With a title comes pressure, comes accountability, and expectations. I am in no way escaping the normal parameters that are placed on being a girlfriend nor do I fear the pressure or accountability. But expectations, I have a problem with. What are you expecting of me as your girlfriend outside of “normal” girlfriend duties? I have a problem with a man expecting me to intrinsically tie my life to his because I am his girlfriend.

Can we fully be committed without a title? Yes you can, if you are honest and trust each other. Importantly, you have to decide how your situation operates outside the two of you. You have to set rules, set limits and boundaries and define your own relationship.

This is different from a titled relationship because without one, WE can define our relationship without bringing the traditional expectations within our courtship.

Also, a relationship without a title does not negate progression, and it most definitely doesn’t mean that we are “friends with benefits.” It is something real, it is tangible, and it is so dynamic that a title box can’t contain it—at least for me it is.

This is just me. Every situation is different, and let’s be honest most people need a title for self-affirmation and for others to know…they have a man.

After-all, my end goal title is WIFE.

Supersaturating Love

Why do we rush? Particularly, why do we rush relationships? We supersaturate, meaning to add something to an element that has already been completely in

filtrated. We shouldn’t do this to our hearts; we shouldn’t do this with love, with something that is so precious.

How do we supersaturate?

We rush, and everything is too much, too soon. We can’t do anything social or private without that person. We stop being around our friends of the opposite sex because we don’t want to seem “fishy.” We live our days with that person as if when we added a “title” we simultaneously said “I do” forever (and even “forever” doesn’t mean everyday).

In 2010, not only do we have a 24hour news cycle we have 24 hour relationships. Without seeing that person we are in their face 24/7. Facebook, Twitter and Blackberry Messenger, etc are all consuming, add a relationship to it…it becomes an obsessive compulsive disorder. We know social media websites aren’t reality, but they affect our reality, they affect our perception of a person and instead of being entertaining, most days they can feed on our insecurities, and our natural paranoia about the human being.

Let’s take a lesson from the old heads!

My parents have been together for 35 years, and I think they can attribute that to limiting saturation. Even with living in the same home, my parents can’t tell you what each other have done all day. They are not Facebook friends, nor do they follow each other on Twitter and for damn sure my Mom doesn’t text my Dad all day (she calls him lol).

*disclaimer: I am not perfect, I have my days with social media sites, and I have to constantly remind myself that reality relies in hearing his voice, him being next to me, and him telling me he wants me.

-Ms. LaCole

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T Domestic Goddess

Can I cook? Yes.

Can I clean? Yes.

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T? Yes.

Do I rock a bad ass heel? Hell yes!

I can do all these things and more, but for some reason I do not believe these qualities make me a good woman, nor do I want a man to base his affection for me on what a domestic goddess can do for him.

My point is I wish we as women would stop minimizing our own qualities and expecting the maximum from men. I have never heard one of my friends say “I just need a man to take out the trash,” but I have heard them say “I just need him to tell me good morning & have a good day.”

We think all men want is for someone to clean up after them, cook them a meal and give them good sex, they want those things, but they want more and we should recognize we are more than domestic goddesses. You want him to check in you on you? Check in on him. You want him to make time for you? Make time for him. Bottom-line, any woman can cook him a meal, any woman can clean for him, someone else can give him good sex, but are doing the “extra” that we expect from men?

Even beyond that, let’s stop pretending we are so independent. Depending on a man should not always come with a negative connotation. I know most women won’t say this but…I depend on a man. I depend on a man to protect me, make me feel safe, hold me at night when all else in my world seems to fail. I depend on a man to tell me I am sexy, beautiful. I depend on a man…to be a man.

I depend on a man to be my superman, and when he needs me to be, I am his Lois Lane.

Whatever it Takes...Cleveland Schools...

Cleveland public schools face daunting challenges—and tremendous opportunities. Since the beginning of the decade enrollment in the Cleveland school district has fallen by more than 27,000—largely due to the cities shrinking population. Coupled with a shrinking population and dismal academic performance in the last five years it is hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The Chief Executive Officer Eugene Sanders’s “Whatever it Takes” transformation plan offers Cleveland Schools a light, a renewed promise that we can adequately educate our students and prepare them for college, civic engagement and success.

“Whatever it Takes,” will close 18 Cleveland schools (East and South), and transform 21 others—the aim of the plan is to combat a shrinking population and take a top-down approach to improving district performance. According to the Cleveland Plain Dealer more than 4,500 students will be assigned to new schools which will take effect at the end of this school year. Others will experience changes in their daily learning process. Overall, the plan makes sense, but there are some flaws that need to be addressed before this light is quickly dimmed.

Reformation of Glenville High School (GHS): According to the plan “All-male Ginn Academy will move [to] Glenville High School… A girls academy will be added to the high school, which will keep the Glenville name.”

This aspect of the plan is counterintuitive. The dollars that were initially directed towards the Ginn Academy should have been used to enhance and provide adequate education at GHS. With that being said, if the Ginn Academy wants to continue to consume state dollars, it should do so under the banner of GHS. What happens to the male students that are already enrolled in GHS? Where do they go? Will the young ladies be accepted into the academy? Also, why have two gender focused academy’s under one roof—will they have separate teachers, separate administrators? Will tax payers being paying double for two schools in one building?

Funding and Collaboration: According to the plan the district is currently making cuts but will need an estimated $70 million to pay for reforms over the next three years. Sanders’ is banking on $30 million from President Barack Obama’s education-reform package (Race to the Top), $30 million from area foundations and corporations, $10 million from within. Also, eventually the district will need to ask the voters to approve a tax property increase.

Obama’s $30 million package calls for collaboration between the state, the district and the teacher’s union. Fortunately for Cleveland’s teachers their union needs to sign off on reforms, on the other side Sanders’ has not worked with teachers and the teacher’s union was shut out of the process (according to the Cleveland Plain Dealer). If this plan is to succeed we need teachers AND parents at the table to make the decisions, they know schools better than any administrator.

Transportation: With 2 schools closing and the reformation of others transportation may become an issue. Cleveland’s RTA is already proposing cuts that will affect school districts, and it makes me wonder if students will have trouble getting to-and-fro school.

Closing of East High and South High: The plan really did not identity why these two schools were chosen to be closed, but I can bet that it is directly linked to school performance. Unfortunately teachers will lose their jobs, and students will be shipped off to other schools, find new friends and adapt. Part of me think this may be the best for the entire district. I understand that those who attended these schools hold them deeply in their heart, and know that they have quality teachers that that deal with extreme circumstances on a daily basis. As community members, parents, etc we have to be concerned with the future of our kids, not the nostalgia of our yesterdays.

So, overall this is my two cents about the plan. There will be meeting Feb. 23^rd for the board to vote for or against “Whatever it Takes,” I urge you all to attend in protest or support…there is no better way to create change than to voice your opinion.

Politically yours,

@ShanelleLaCole

Why Enviromental Issues?

Arthur Long Sr. grew up in the segregated south where on one side of the track he was told he has no value or worth as a black man, but fortunately for me, on the other side of the track their stood his parents, who raised him to know that the measure of a man is his ability to provide and protect his family.

Arthur Long Sr. is my grandfather, my grandfather who took a chance and gambled two weeks wages, he wanted to see where his money could take him, luckily he won, went to the bus station in Seale, Alabama and told the station conductor, “take me as far North as my money can take me.” He ended up, in Lima, OH with a new union job working at the old steel foundry, a job that allowed him to send for his siblings and others to join him in Ohio. This new job gave my grandfather an opportunity, an opportunity to provide for his family.

Arthur Long, Sr. passed away July 2001 of lung cancer; we learned that his illness was most likely the result from pollutants he encountered while working a steel grinder. At the time, I was in the 9th grade, I didn’t know anything about the value of work, and I knew black folks were not into environmental issues.
So, fast forward to 2009, I’m watching my mother engage in her daily CNN addiction. Constantly watching in fear to see whether the company she works for would go bankrupt, receive a bailout, or anything to save her job that she has worked at for 30 years.

At that time I knew there was much to do about a new energy economy and how green investments could be the solution to save our nation’s ailing economy. It was honoring my grandfather’s legacy of hard work and ensuring that the environmental pollutants that he faced would not become a problem of the present, and the fear, the pure fear on my mother’s face that motivated me to join the green movement.

Working for Ohio Apollo Alliance has given me the chance to build a booming political voice of labor, environment, business and community organizations that can be heard in every Ohio corridor to the footsteps of the White House.

The work that I do is about honoring my grandfather's legacy of hard work, and a dedication to his family.

Clean Energy Can Renew our Economy

My mom is one of the millions of Americans affected by the collapse of the American automotive industry. For 25 years, she worked at the General Motors Powertrain plant in Toledo, earning enough to provide a decent home for her family and send her daughters to college. A consummate worker with years of manufacturing experience, she was laid off and suddenly faces an uncertain future.

Now in her fifties and with no college education, her options are limited. Go back to school? Invest in herself and start a business? When you’ve collected a paycheck from others all your life, entrepreneurialism isn’t as easy as it sounds. That leaves retirement. But my Mom and others like her would much rather go back to work in the clean energy industry than collect from social services for an early retirement.

The energy bill passed last week by the U.S. House would allow her to do just that. My family is grateful that Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur prioritized the needs of working families by voting for the American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009.

If we want to put people back to work, we need a new national energy policy that invests in American manufacturing and will allow employers to hire good American workers like my mother. The House-passed energy bill will create strong demand for clean energy and puts the mechanisms in place for that demand to be met by American workers making the components and systems of the new clean energy economy.

During my mom's career, we’ve seen plant closures throughout Northwest Ohio. We are tired of seeing Wall Street get the federal aid that Main Street so desperately needs. We need support for Toledo. The American Clean Energy and Security Act will provide it.

Excuse me, Mr. Smiley, Young Folks Get It!

The State of the Black Union (SofBu) has been appearing on our TV screens for the past 10 years, and still yet, for 10 years there have been the same issues, the same echoes, from the same scholars. In an ever-changing political environment this is unacceptable. Some may say I am being a pessimist, but it is time someone became critical of our black leaders.

I appreciate all that they do for us, but when Tavis Smiley asked Campus Progress’ Deputy Director, Policy and Advocacy Manger Erica Williams (age 24), “Do the young folk really get it?” I was utterly offended. I felt as though Tavis did not get it. Young folks did not vote for President Barack Obama because we thought he was cool, hip-hop songs about him or because we wanted to rock the newest Obama gear. We voted for him because we understood the issues and how they affected us. For 10 years, SofBU has been offering solutions to a series of problems but they have failed to act. You speak about solving Black folks socio-economic issues and have broad agendas, but coming to Kent State University (KSU) to speak about your agenda is NOT the same as being on the ground. Yes, we need academia to find solutions, but we also need them to translate their agendas in to action.

Speaking of KSU, when Tavis Smiley and Dr. Cornel West came to speak they met a group of students who were members of Black United Students (BUS) who had been organizing and mobilizing since 1968. Not only did we get it, we lived it. These are students who forced a predominately white campus to reinstate students (Protest) and marched for a $10 million dollar renovation of their Oscar Ritchie Hall (Renovation). Hell, these students had to fight for $35,000 to bring Smiley and West to KSU because the Undergraduate Student Senate did not understand the cultural need! So next time you want to ask, “Do the young folk really get it?” check those check stubs and the universities you have visited.

As I continuously listened to Smiley question, “how do we dance with the nation’s first black President?” My reaction is “we dance the same way have always danced, except maybe with a little more funk, add a Cleveland Hustle.” In my mind, it has been proven that black leaders can navigate through America’s complicated, often times troubling legislative system. The best approach we can take is to continue to be active on the ground. This does not include community service at your local homeless shelter, which is a great a service. Being active means to engage the legislative process.

You will never understand why American Governors are using 4^th grade reading scores to determine number of prisons they plan to build or why the level of funding for corrections his risen 30% and higher education’s budget has decreased by 18%? We see our brothers going from Classrooms to Cell Blocks but never question how this legislation has occurred and how we can change it!

Want to know more about Kent State’s Smiley/West event? Read Alexia Harris’ article here and check out her blog at http://progressivehealth.wordpress.com/.

Blogs to Come...

Today’s Relevancy of MLK Jr.’s Poor People’s Campaign

How Energy Efficiency & Environmental Justice Can Revolutionize our ‘Hoods

Life Update

July 26, 2006 was my last posting...I'll assume that I thought because I discovered something new in my life that I did not need to write anymore. Well, I was wrong, and I am back! Back for GOOD!!! This blog is keeping its rather personal appeal, but it's about to get way more political. You can expect a rather political commentary on my personal life, and the daily intricacies of politics! So...here we go....

What's going on in my life...

Growing up, saying it is so much easier than doing it! I am finishing up my M.A. degree at University of Toledo, and writing my thesis on higher education and public policy. Maybe, I'll post it when it’s complete, or give you guys a little excerpt. I also work at the Toledo Botanical Garden as their Development Coordinator. As you can see, I have this career thing on lock. Sorry, for the lack of humility, but I have worked hard. Like a good friend of mine says "humility is for those who don't do anything!"

Personally, I lost at love, but it's okay, I still have my head up. But, I constantly hold the fear of being that strong black woman with a great career, and a single family home, with no family. This is a fear that I will leave in my prayers. I know this is something that I should not worry about, but I find myself wanting that imperfect marriage that my parents have. I am trying to remain optimistic by dating. Which is the most hectic thing in my life! How can something that seems to be so simple...boy likes girl, girl likes boy, they date...be so hard?? Oh it’s hard, borderline an obsession. In my political mind, everything should be and can be analyzed to the 10th degree, including text messages!! As much as I love this ability to scrutinize, I hate it, because I find myself looking for context clues in a text that simply says "ttyl babe!" From talking to my female friends, I think we all suffer from this horrific career of Text-Messaging (TM) Analyzers.

Text-Messaging (TM) Analyzer Job Description:

Ability to text rapidly in order to forward the loser’s TM to your girl friends.
Be able to perform a psychotic outburst for when you over analyze the text.
Knowledge of lexicons on your mobile device in order to quickly apologize.
Identify whom else the text message has been forwarded to (great for BlackBerry users).
Save all messages, in case you need them for proof.

Okay, I am getting carried away, but if you would like to apply for this position, please forward a resume and cover letter to getalife@gmail.com.

This is all for today, maybe.

Stay Strong-SLS

Trust my SISTAHS!

Trust has always seemed to be a major issue for me. Allowing someone into my world completely - and letting someone divulge into the complexites of my life has been the hardest task for this Gemini.

I wish I can say that I have been able to give in and let all my sisters into my world...but their friendship is a step to my freedom.

The advice given to me from all the strong black women in my life is to "trust no female." And I am starting to believe that their wisdom is a guide, not advice that is set in concrete. Now that I am a 22 year old on trying to make her own path...I choose to follow my own truth.

My truth is to be cautious with females, which seems to be the same truth for every individual.


To my girls: Your friendship and trust is truely apprecited! You guys are the

funniest
smartest
CRAZIEST
most down to earth
ride or die

women I have ever encountered. You guys have always been holding me down since the begginning.

Can't wait until AUGUST 12,2006!

Love...

Love....and its complexities...

Love is so complicated to me and many others. As a generation we are constantly finding ways to identify it, and find the "one" that exemplies our definition. We are so quick to jump mention those 3 little words, I love you, without realizing its effects....and most importantly the reasons for loving....

My experiences with love have been very short and few, and I have come to the understanding that love---is something you can never really grasp. Love is a never ending search ...a search for self-discovery....

To me...Love is the ability to stand on your own..and once you can do that...then the "one" will come...

Today, I find that I am in love with someone who doesnt have the strength to love me back. Which is making me question my own self love, and my ablity to form a relationship. --- I am a walking constradiction.

I can't seem to figure out the solution to my situation.

What I Really Want...

Have you ever sat down and thought about what you really want? Well I have and it goes a little something like this....

As far as my personal life. I dont even know if I want to have kids and the white house with a picket fence. But I do know I want a husband, someone to travel with and love...all that mushy stuff...Which leads me to wonder what the hell do I want in a man....

He would have to be sucessful, independent, and strong. And intelligence is a major factor! Have a sense of self, and to know who he is without any regrets. He has to be funny and able to handle my smart mouth, and my Gemini ways. The man must love his momma too! Goal oriented!!! --- well thats all for now. lol

To be sucessful. Eventually when I am done at Kent I plan on moving to North Carolina to attend DUKE Law or receive my Masters/Phd in Poli Sci. Possibly become a professor or lawyer. Either would make me happy.....I dont necessarily have to move to NC to do these things..but it would be nice.

An Oridinary Day

here we go....

Nothing angry for yall tonight. I am feelllinnnggg gooooooddd! I had an okay day. I was kind of tired but it was worth it. Got up around 9am, made brunch for my parents...Then we went shopping for there vaction. But they bought me school clothes and facial cleanser lol, from Origins. Then..my mom and I argued a little, which is typical. Then I came home talked to some folks online...went to Target and bought school supplies. Damn this is a boring Blog! lol --- I need some excitement in my life.

I have my scedule for the first week of school @ Kent. I wont be that busy afterall! Thank Goodness.

I got something good for you guys...I overcame my fear of rejection and just went for it. I dont really know whats going to happen. But I SO PROUD OF MYSELF! Such a damn relief...now I am not so nervous and I can chill and be me. You know??

hell there is nothing else to say. oh my parents are leaving for the weekend..so ANYONE come and visit me..so I won't be bored.

yours truely,
shanelle

True Friends

what to write about today..... hummmm

In my 21 years of life I have come to the realization that there are very people in this world you can honestly trust with your deepest darkest thoughts. I have come to know what there are different kinds of friends that I have....from my best friends (the crew), my kick-it friends, my girls and my "friend(s) with benefits".....I wonder is the same for all??

It takes awhile for me to be able to call someone my friend. Some may say this is a trust problem but its a good problem for me to have . I will do anything for my friends and I expect them to do the same for me. I am sorry but I cant trust everyone. Not I.

I truely value my friendships, they mean the world to me. My friends are like my family when "i have," "they have". Especially the crew....there is no stronger bond. These are my friends for life, they are my brothers and my sisters. You fuck with them, you fuck with me! So if you call you my friend, I honestly mean it no matter what circumstances we go through, and dont take it for granted.

------ As far as how my day went........
Today was a good day. Hung out with Chad before he leaves for school on Wed. Chilled with my Dad as usual and we went to the mall. I went on a goose chase for a damn planner (thats another story in itself). Let see what else......oh I know......

have you ever had those days when you can't stop thinking about someone? well that happen to me today, and well yesterday and right now....I wish I could get him out of my head!!!....Like kick his ass out of there! I can't help but to wonder what would his reaction be if he knew I liked him (that sounds juevenille,but you know).........the fear of rejection is holding onto me --- plus I dont want to push him away...after all he is my friend. bahhhhhhaaaaaaaaa.....

the funny thing is that i still miss zahir...but i cant compare every guy to him for the rest of my life..that wouldnt be fair..........

leave a comment let me know what you think..please

Things on my mind...

this is my first posting i dont even know what to talk about....

I had an interesting conversation with my dad the other day. We actually talked about guys, and I realized I want someone like my dad, the way he looks at my mom with such love and trust is truely amazing. My dad is so strong and he loves his girls to death. I want a man like that. Are men made that strong anymore these days?? My dad says that "A woman should be chased..not chasing," and I suppose he is right. Is he?? I wonder because shouldn't I tell someone if I am "feeling them?" Yeah right, the only thing I fear is rejection...I hate telling anyone how I feel, its always seems to turn out in the worst ways for me...So if a man wants me...Like my Dad says chase me...

I just want what my parents have. And eventually it will come...in due time. They have been through a lot together. My dad being gone for 6 years, and my momr holding her own and staying faithful. My parents are the smartest people I know. Although they get on my nerves, deeply I know that they are always right.

My mom is the strongest person I know, and If I can be half the woman she is...I will be aight. Any woman who drives an hour to work for 20+ years and works 60hours a week so her kids and have a good education is truely a strong woman. I love my momma to death, with all my heart.

My parents have shown me the world...and I am truly greatful.