Love Lessons in Heartbreak

I love love. I love to give and receive love. For me love is the essence of who I am, and if I let you in and I allow myself to love you…I will love you, despite it all. One of the greatest lessons I have ever learned in my young life is a lesson of love and heartbreak.

I still remember the day, the day my heart shattered. I thought my world had come to an end, I thought I’d be another stereotypical successful, black woman with no husband and no kids…lonely. For days I cried, didn’t walk for my graduate degree and attempted rationalize “why?” I decided that I could either be bitter or be educated.

Being bitter would have taken me to exactly where I did not want to be; it would have caused me to take the burdens from my past “relationship” to the threshold of another. Moving quickly to the next man would have been an easy solution. I could have found comfort in temporary affection. But why lack trust in someone new and make a man pay for another’s mistakes? Being bitter would lead to a statistic, one I did not want to be.

I decided to be educated by heartache.

Love does not mean perfection, it does not mean that I will love you tomorrow; it means I will love you today, and do everything today to ensure that we have the possibility to be in love tomorrow.

Love is fearless. My favorite scripture is “[T]here is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” 1 John 4:18. God did not make us to fear, He made us to love, God is Love. Love and Fear cannot co-exist; therefore I choose love over fear. No fear in a man leaving me, no fear in outsiders in my relationships. No longer do I fear being a statistic. None.

Love does mean being more impressed with a man’s love for God, more than their love for you. A man who loves God more than me…can love me any day.

I am a Believer and therefore if heartbreak knocks again…I have no fear.

-Shanelle LaCole

The Audacity to Ask

It is some bold women in this world. One’s who do not hesitate to ask for what they want and for sure take charge when they are in need. It is all good to be bold, I encourage anyone to go for anything they want or need! But being bold has its limits, especially when we ask of a man who is not our husband to do for us when we aren't meeting our own needs.

Last week I was talking to my homeboy about how women ask him to pay for their bills. He says they hint, “Aye, I don't know where my car-note is coming from,” or they let him know they are short...”I’m a little short on my rent this week.” Jokingly, I hinted at him this week…

En route to catch my 1:20pm flight to Chicago, I remembered I forgot to pay my rent, not because I didn’t have the money, simply because I forgot. I BBM’d him “I f-ing left without paying my rent.” What was I going to do? Although I didn’t need the money, just needed someone to take it to the rental office, I still couldn’t suffice asking a man who has not put a ring on my finger to go pay for something that is a necessity of mine, not of his.

I’d never ask a man (who is not my hubby or Daddy) to pay for anything I need. That’s a bold statement but that’s how I feel. Maybe it is pride, I do not know.

I feel like I, as a grown woman, had the audacity to go out and make bills for myself. I signed my rental lease. I bought a SUV. I decided that I need cable and the internet. I need lights, water, gas, etc. If you have the audacity to tout your “grownness”, you should have the means to pay.

Believe me, I know we all have emergency situations, we all need someone to lean on, but how do you get bold enough to ask a man who you’re just dating?

Have I asked a man to pay for something? Yes, for something I couldn’t afford because I was handling my needs and knew he wanted to give me what I wanted.

Obviously, this rule has exceptions. Just let me know, when is it okay to have the audacity to ask for a man to pay for your needs?